Does anyone else feel like they're drowning in life, and not in the good way? I feel as if I have so many options and so many great adventures before me, but at the same time, I'm paralyzed with the fear of failure, or pain, or... something. Like there are a million things I want to do and no time to do them. A million goals I would like to accomplish but with no drive to do any of them. A million places I want to go but a million things standing in my way. But is anything standing in my way, really? Besides fear? And, you know, being broke?
I've never been a risk-taker. I'm the girl who cowers in the corner at parties like a trapped animal, and chooses at the last minute not to wear that bold outfit because maybe she'll look silly after all, and always listens to people talking with the painful realization that she'll never be half as confident as they are. This is so emo, but so... true. So blatantly, embarrassingly, nauseatingly true. I'm not ashamed of who I am. Not at all. I'm ashamed that I'm too afraid to be who I am.
Me and my brother Pete are planning a trip to Europe, but is that going to happen? I want to move to BC, but is that going to happen? I want to lose a hundred pounds, but is that EVER going to happen?
I have been stuck in this place for close to ten years, literally. Am I really going to let myself stay here another five years? Another year? Another day?? Do I really want to wake up at 30 and realize that I've wasted a third of my life being someone I really don't want to be, and really don't even like very much? Because that is absolutely the path I'm on, and my goodness, it's the path I was terrified of when I was a teenager. Shocking, to be 25 and hating myself. But really... here I am, 25 and hating myself. I'm everything I never wanted to be, and I'm too afraid or lazy or lost to change that.
I dunno. I guess I've just been doing some major thinking (what else is new...) and it's occurred to me that I really don't want to be where I am. I would rather be anywhere than where I am. I am failing at life. And that's just wrong. It's so many things- it's irresponsible, a slap in the face to everyone who wants me to do well, unfair to those who don't have the same opportunities I have... it's just wrong.
This is all offensively depressing, and I apologize for that. But I think the worst part about it all is that I COULD be happy very easily, if only I just tried to be so. For once in my life just get off my fat, white butt and really try at something. Maybe that would take me somewhere.
Emo Hess out.
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