Girl Meets World

Yo. Hess here. I just keep thinking about my life, over and over again... and I think it's really and truly time for a change. Not just with my weight, which is obviously destined to be my cross in life. No- I'm talking about a real, major change.

I woke up at 4 this morning tossing and turning and extremely angry with people who kept making me ring them through when I was on my break... that is how intertwined my cashier job has become with my life. I'm freaking dreaming about the place! On my day off!!! Oh, and all the while, a song was playing SUPER loudly in my head, over and over again... the same stupid song that plays at least twice a day at work. I mean seriously... this was the kind of dream that happens on bad TV shows, and it happened to me this morning. That means something. So I'm done my job as of July 29th, and let me tell you, that is not nearly soon enough. But at least it's happening.

I need to stop letting fear get in my way. And that is what it is- nothing but fear. I am afraid of putting myself out there and giving it my all and still failing: failing at life, at losing weight, at driving, at ending a job I've gotten comfortable with, at having to find a new one, at leaving my parents' house. I am afraid of everything, because everything is unknown. I just don't want to grow up. I fucking hate the prospect of growing up.

I think I'm going to move. To BC. As soon as I graduate. After the Cali trip, of course. But when I come home, I don't really want to come home, because 'home' doesn't actually feel like home at all. And I really don't want to put roots down where I don't feel at home, because what kind of way is that to feel happy?

So I'm moving to BC in a year. I'm going to figure my shit out in this life, because if I don't, it will never get figured out. I am the only one who can do this. So here's my list of the day, things that Hess is going to do in the next year:

1. Get my license.
2. Lose like a thousand pounds before next spring.
3. Graduate.
4. Go to California.
5. Move to BC.

In other words, basically everything I've been saying I would do for the past five years.

FML.